VIOLIN
How is a
violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Why does a
violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays?
Because there's no spit valve.
Why are violas
larger than violins?
They're not. The violist's head is
smaller.
Glissando:
Violinist's technique for difficult runs.
What do you do
if you're short a violinist?
Have a percussionist drag his
fingernails across a chalkboard.
Why should you
never drive a roof nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.
Why are there so
many violinists in an orchestra?
Because the conductor actually
wants someone to play to right note.
The principal
second violinist of a local orchestra came home one night to find
his house
complelety engulfed in flames. One
of his neighbors came over and said, "I'm sorry to tell you
this, but the house is lost; the
firefighters were just trying to contain the flames to keep them
from spreading." So the
violinist sat on the curb in despair. Another neighbor came over
and said
"I'm really sorry, but your
wife and children were at home when the fire started and weren't
able to
get out." The violinist hung
his head and began to cry. The fire chief then came over and said
"We think we know who burned
down your house and killed your family. One of the neighbors
saw the conductor of your
orchestra running away from the area just before the fire broke
out."
And the principal second violinist
stopped crying, brightened up and said, in awe, "Conductor
came to my house?"
The violinist
was called before the judge in court.
"Say," said the judge,
"haven't I seen you somewhere before?"
"That's right!" the
violinist said hopefully, "I gave your child violin lessons!"
"Ah yes," said the judge.
"Twenty years!"
Why do parents
compliment their violist after a performance?
They heard the third violins.
What's the
difference between a clarinet, a flute and a violin?
With the clarinet, the air comes
out of the player's mouth and through the clarinet.
With the flute, the air comes out
of the player's mouth and over the mouthpiece.
With the violin, the air goes in
one ear and comes out the other.
VIOLA
How do you make a
violist play vibrato?
Write a whole note and put "SOLO"
over it.
How can you tell when
a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
How do you make a
violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
What is the difference
between a violin and a viola?
About ten bucks
Why are violin jokes
so short?
So violists can understand them.
A violinist and a
violist fall off a tall building. Who hits the ground first?
The violinist; the violist stops to ask
directions.
What are the
requirements for the 2nd round of the International Viola
competition?
Holding the viola by memory.
What's the difference
between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
What do a bad airplane
mechanic and a violist have in common?
Both screw up Boeings.
How many violists does
it take to tile a kitchen?
Just one, but you must slice him very
thin.
Why are violists the
only musicians without any problems with 7/8-beats?
Because they count: one-two-three-four-five-six-se-ven-one-two....
What do violists and
Mike Tyson have in common?
They both are hard on ears.
How many violists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but
he'll keep breaking the bulbs with the hammer.
If there was a conductor and a violist standing in the middle of the road, which would you hit first?
1.The
conductor: business before pleasure.
2.As if we could get that
lucky!
One day, the conductor
of a no-name orchestra got seriously ill, so they pulled the
second to
last viola player to conduct for him.
Everything went off without a hitch, and the orchestra
sounded great! So, for the upcoming
concert, they fired their old conductor and let the viola
player do it. It was great! They got
rave reviews, went on numerous tours all over the world, and
became the most famous orchestra in
history. Then one day, the viola player told the
concertmaster that he would like to go
back and play, and could they hire a new conductor. So,
the viola player went back to his seat,
where his stand partner quickly asked, "Oh, and where
have YOU been?"
Once there was a viola
player who was second chair in the Winnipeg Symphony. He met a
genie, who promised him three wishes.
For his first wish he asked to be a better musician, and
he became first chair. For his second
wish, he asked to be an even better musician, and he
became first viola in the Berlin
Symphony. For his third wish, he wished to be an even better
musician, and he ended up playing second
violin in the Winnipeg Symphony.
Johnny comes home from
school, and says to his mom, "Mommy, I learned the alphabet
today!
The rest of the class messed up around F,
but I made it all the way through!"
Johnny's mom says, "Very good, son.
That's because you're a violist."
Johnny comes home the next day and
screams, "Mommy, Mommy, I counted to a hundred
today! Everyone else couldn't get past
60, but I made it all the way to 100!"
And his mom says, "Excellent. That's
because you're a violist."
The next day, Johnny comes home and says,
"Mommy, the teacher measured everyone's height
in class today, and I was taller than
everyone. Is that 'cause I'm a violist?"
His mom shakes her head and says, "No,
honey; that's because you're twenty-six."
A new viola player
went into his first rehearsal with the orchestra, but when he sat
down, all the
other musicians were perplexed to see
that he was wearing a set of headphones. The conductor
asked him kindly: "Pardon me, but
would you mind removing your headset, as we are about to
begin?" The violist looked up,
smiled dumbly, and said "I'd rather not." The conductor,
not
knowing what to do in such an odd
situation, allowed the violist to keep his headphones on
throughout the rehearsal. This same
ritual continued on throughout the week, with the conductor
asking the violist to remove the
headphones, and the violist politely declining. Finally, the
night of
the concert arrived, and again, the
violist arrived at the concert hall wearing the same set of
headphones. Sure enough, the coonductor
spotted the violist still wearing his headphones. The
conductor immediately took the violist
aside backstage and demanded: "Look, I've let you wear
these stupid things every minute of
every rehearsal for a week now, but tonight is the concert.
Now will you please TAKE THOSE DAMNED
HEADPHONES OFF??!!!" As, usual the violist
replied "I'd rather not." This
was the straw that broke the camel's back. The conductor's face
became as red as a beet, and he screamed
at the top of his lungs "I SAID TAKE THOSE DAMN
HEADPHONES OFF!!!!!" Reluctantly,
the violist complied. The concert began smoothly, but
about three minutes into the overture,
the aforementioned violist dropped dead on stage. Amidst
the confusion, the conductor found the
violist's headphones and placed them on his head. What
he heard was a simple CD looped message:
"Breathe. . . Breathe. . . Breathe. . ."
A bass player walks
into rehearsal very late and the conductor asks, "Would you
like some time
to tune?" "No, thanks, all the
strings are the same tension. There is no need to tune."
Dumbfounded, the section leader violist
stands up and shouts at the stupid bass player, "You
idiot, the strings don't have to be the
same tension for you to be in tune... all the pegs have to be
at the same level and direction!!!"
Whats the definition
of a canon?
Two viola players trying to play the
same part.
CELLO
Why is intermission
only 20 minutes long?
So that the cellists don't have to be
retrained.
What's the difference
between a cello and a coffin.
The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
A female cellist stayed first chair because she kept her scherzo short.
How do you make a
cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
How do you get a cello
to play in tune?
Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.
STRING BASS
Why did the string
bass player get angry at the timpanist?
Because the timpanist turned a peg and
wouldn't tell him which one.
Then there was the bass player who was so bad that even the section noticed!!
How do you make a
double bass sound in-tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
One day a community
Orchestra was preparing to start rehearsing for the upcoming
Messiah
performance. Just as the rehearsal was
about to start, the double bass player comes running in,
apologizing for his tardiness. The
conductor asks, "Would you like some time to tune before we
begin?" The Bass player replies,
"Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"
HARP
What's the definition
of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning unison strings.
Harp players spend
half their time tuning their instrument and the other half
playing out of tune.
How long does a harp
stay in tune?
About 20 minutes...or until someone
opens a door.
Why are harps like
elderly parents?
They're both unforgiving and hard to get
in and out of cars.
How many harpists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four. One to
screw in the bulb and three to critique her technique.
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Last Updated 09/09/2001